I have something to confess. I talk to myself at times. Well, that's not strictly true, a little voice in my head talks to me telling 'Charlie Boy' to do this ... and to do that ... most often it's saying 'come on, Charlie Boy, you can cope ... don't lose your grip ...'
The thing is no one really prepares you for slowly falling off the Edge of the World.
You can't jump off the x-ray couch and form a 'T' with both hands and ask for some 'time out'.
Today though the little voice inside my head [which, it has to be said, makes me smile quite a lot] said wouldn't it be funny when you start your radiotherapy if a Dalek-like voice calls out from behind the screen "Irradiate ! Irradiate ! Irradiate !"
In the event I didn't get the chance to see if this was actually going to happen because although I was x-rayed and marked up ready to be irradiated I was told half an hour later that, in fact, my actual treatment wouldn't be starting until Wednesday with further 'doses' on Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday ... then that would be it.
The doctor this morning mentioned in passing that the radiotherapy wasn't a cure ... it was just to help ease the pain ... and it has to be said pain has surfaced and made itself known ... rather like an uninvited shark at a swimming gala.
At present I'm hobbling around a bit. I walk upstairs labouriously putting my right foot on a step and then bringing my uncomfortable [ok, painful] left leg up to the same step. [I now avoid walking up steps if there's a crowd behind me.]
"Come on Charlie Boy. Stop whinging ... go and make yourself a coffee ..."
Well, if it's not a cure - what is the cure that she thought she could get you through it and out the other side? I suppose you just have to go with it and trust in their knowledge, after all, what other choice do you have? Not one that you'd want to be taking, I'll bet. Well, if it helps with the pain, that has to be a good thing. Living with pain 24/7 can really sap your get up and go. What you need is an instantly inflatable leg cast so that, when faced with steps and a crowd, you can whip it out, clap it onto your leg and limp along in the full knowledge that they'll see it and make allowances. (Well, most of them will!). LOL
ReplyDeleteThe fact that I have advanced prostate cancer means I will die of it ... not with it so all they can do is try to keep tripping it up. They believe the radiotherapy will zap the enlarged lymph gland and the metastasis in my hip socket. They also hope that they will be able to use radiotherapy if and when other metastases come along ~ if I am well enough.
DeleteSo, for that reason, they can't cure it. As you say what choice do I have ? It's a choice I'm glad I've got Jenny. I'm wearing shorts in this heat with my compression stocking proudly on display. As a close family member commented the other day ... it DOES look like a false leg. This does not seem to stop people barging past me. I am beginning to understand how the less able have to cope with more than just their disabilities. I ought to be able to apply for a stun gun.
It's only human for darker thoughts to occasionally surface. Just take notice of that inner voice. I'm glad to see it, and you, retaining a sense of humour, anyway. I had to smile at the thought of the Dalek-voice :-)) The radiotherapy is only for pain relief? Surely not. If that was all that was needed, surely a strong painkiller would do the job just as well. Maybe not a total cure but a reasonable extension of good quality of life, I would have thought. Stay positive, my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's for pain relief in that it will remove the metastasis and the lymph gland hopefully Mitch ~ it doesn't cure the cancer in its entirety.
DeleteCoffee is always a good idea. I do hope the irradiation helps though, Charlie; sounds terrible. Please DO say 'irradiate' during the treatment!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure if I don't say 'irradiate' that little voice will.
DeleteWhinge and moan as much as you like Charlie,I know I would if it was me.As for talking to myself I often try and gee myself up if I'm feeling low,I tell myself to stop moaning it certainly helps. It sounds as if you are in for a few tough days hope it all goes well.Ann ( I have answered your query on the last blog just in case you don't look.)
ReplyDeleteI think the toughest thing initially will be travelling to Sheffield every day and trying to find a parking spot. Next week my pain may increase initially ... apparently.
DeleteAs I would also moan ad Whine about this.. You have a right to do this.. Just have it done...and say those words..even if it is outloud.. LOL.. and see what the attendant has to say about it...
ReplyDeleteTake Care Charlie.. Your The Best....As Always.....
The radiologist will be hiding behind a screen so I don't think they will take much notice of what I say Barbara ... as long as I keep still !
DeleteNext time say it out loud and tell us their reactions. "The force be with you".... Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Diane ... we can but hope :-)
DeleteThis is a difficult part of the journey and you are perfectly entitled to mutter, complain or make any other assortment of noises. I am sorry that you are experiencing pain ... and I hope that the treatment helps a great deal.
ReplyDeleteI am sure there will be further updates Pet ... unless something disastrous besets me. Thank you for your good wishes.
DeleteThank you for all your good wishes and encouragement ... they are much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteLots of readers sure to wish you well for sure,just that we do not comment very often.
ReplyDeleteThat's kind of you ... this is the first time I've been on my PC since Tuesday :-)
DeleteHope it goes ok over the next few days... tried to do a picture superimposing your face on a dalek... but found my picture editing skills weren't up to it! Irradiate!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ian ... now me as a Dalek [or vice versa] I would liked to have seen :-)
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